Christmas Eve: Today feels like Christmas Eve, but in a "I can't sleep because I'm not excited but scared shitless" kind of way. I start chemo tomorrow. I am scared. I am nervous. I am angry. And, I am sad.
I will be honest. I have allowed myself to be in somewhat of a denial stage when it comes to chemo. But to be fair to myself, I needed to do this. Being pregnant, delivering Sam, and now, making daily trips to see her and pump breastmilk for her needed to take precedence. So I couldn't fit in the googling of everything chemo or reaching out to other cancer survivors (many wonderful people have offered to sit down and talk to me about it and I will hopefully soon). I spend a large chunk of my time in a car right now or in the NICU. There is no time. What little time I spend home is trying to play catch up with my kids and just be in the moment with them. Time has run out and I am truly scared of what's to come. So tonight is Chemo Eve and I don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight.
The Brady Bunch: I don't know why but in the midst of my many emotional breakdowns lately, I keep picturing the Brady Bunch episode where Bobby and Cindy go for the teeter totter world record. I guess this has become a visual aid for my fear and stress of juggling chemo, baby, and life in general. It also is a metaphor for my emotional state. I am high on Sam and low on cancer and it's a constant seesaw between the two. I worry that when she is home I will be unable to care for her or be too sick and tired to enjoy her. I am also picturing Billy on that teeter totter but his is much bigger and has more seats because his balancing act will be even bigger than mine.
What to Expect when You're Expecting: I never read that book. I remember when I was pregnant with Emily and absolutely petrified my Doctor said to skip reading it. He said it tends to just scare a lot of expecting moms and I was scared enough. I'm thinking I should rewrite it: What to Expect when you're Expecting... A baby and CANCER!!!! I'm not sure I would have a large audience or that I even knowledgeable enough in terms of cancer. Yet, I am not walking in tomorrow completely oblivious. We did our research early on and got second opinions which only just reassured us that I am in the best hands at HUP. And Gastric cancers are pretty much treated with the same cocktail. The meds added to this might vary a little depending on other factors. I just like to feel completely "in the know" with everything in life. I came home yesterday and tried to read about the infusion pump I will be using and I got completely flustered trying to figure out everything in my giant chemo supply box. I'm sure it will be simple but when i opened the box and found a giant binder of information, I started to shut down. And then came the flood of questions. How do I shower with a chemo pump? How am I going to sleep comfortably? I'm still struggling with my chemo port in my chest keeping me up at night. Will I be able to hold Sam? This question is the killer. A common side effect is hand and foot syndrome, a painful tingling in the hands and feet that gets worse with each treatment. I just want to be able to hold her. I'm concerned about becoming a scatter brain, another side effect. I have a friggin preemie coming home and the last thing I need is to not have my wits about me. And I know a million people will offer to help and take care of me and the baby. They already have and continue to do so. But here's the thing. I want to take care of my baby. I am her mother and the maternal animal instinct in me won't shut off. She's mine and I want to be with her every second. Have I mentioned how badly this whole thing sucks? Forget it, I'm not rewriting What to Expect When You're Expecting. I can't. There are too many what ifs. I don't know what to expect and that my friends, is what makes this so incredibly scary.
The drive: Right now Billy and I are making the long drive to see Sam while my superhero sister in law steps in and takes our kids to their soccer games. I hate this drive. I love this drive. Ha, another teeter totter! I hate how much time it consumes. Time away from our kids, from our house, and from a never ending to do list that weighs on Billy. Plus Billy is always driving and that sucks for him. But, part of me loves this time. I get to spend a lot of time with Billy. I can break down if need be, or we can just shoot the shit and laugh a lot. My back hurts all the time and my legs get stiff but I'm with him and simply put, it's nice. Plus, I know I am getting closer to Sam and every day I get so excited to see her. Maybe this is more like Christmas Eve because, at least with this, there is an amazing gift waiting for me.