And then there was 5:
I used this title before to describe the new addition to our family. But today this refers to the amount of chemo loops hanging on the wall. I have 5 more treatments. I have hit the more than halfway mark.
Yesterday was not only chemo but a trip to the fertility center at UPenn. I asked my friend who took me yesterday if me sitting in a fertility center is an example of irony considering I don't have ovaries. I would say yes. So the doctor was quick to suggest hormone replacement therapy. One of the first questions she asked me is if I wanted to have a period or not. What? How is that a real thing? So I go through the hell of having a period my whole life, then go through the hell of menopause, only to opt for another 10 years of a period? So yeah, I will opt for "hell friggin no". But I'm not even sure I will take the hormone route. It is known that hormone therapy can cause cancer to come back with a vengeance in breast and melanoma cancer patients. But of course, there is no research for gastric cancer because the majority of patients are elderly or Asian. Plus, my cancer went ape shit from my pregnancy which is obviously fueled by hormonal changes. So I have to make a decision. Obviously hormones would ward of osteoporosis, breaking bones, and according to the doc, will make me feel better overall. What I pass off as chemo side effects could actually be a result of menopause. I can't make this decision right now and to be frank, I really don't want to.
So the horrible but effective drug Oxilaliplatin has been permanently taken out of my chemo regimen. I, of course, have mixed feelings about this. I wish I could have held out 4 more sessions but the neuropathy in my feet and hands did not go away and that was the deciding factor. Apparently, younger people are more likely to have issues with this because their nerves are young and feel it more. Honestly, I felt like this drug was killing me. So no more blind spots, claw hands, and feeling like my insides are dying. Of course I feel like I'm at a disadvantage and I'm hoping that the neuropathy isn't permanent but at the same time, my quality of life has greatly improved and I have more independence. Also, I'm on less of an emotional roller coaster. I have downsized from Kingda Ka to one of those carnival roller coasters that toddlers are tall enough to ride. My goal is to downsize to one of those spinny things at a park.
So back to the loops. Today's birthday candles will be replaced with the burning of another loop. I will make a wish. I bet you can't guess what it is!
Today is my birthday:
I couldn't sleep this morning. 2 recurring thoughts have been stuck in my head these last few days. And here they are:
1. The Avengers 2. When I was in the hospital in February the preview for the Avengers 2 kept popping up on the TV. For those of you who don't know, I love Marvel superheroes (with the exception of D.C. Comics' Wonderwoman. She is a goddess. No, she literally is.). Anyway, when I saw the first preview for the movie, my heart sank. The release date was May 1st. All I kept thinking is..."Shit, I'm not going to be alive to see it." The way the whole cancer diagnosis was described to me made me believe that I'd be on my deathbed right when the movie would be in theaters. And this way of thinking stuck with me. I would look at an expiration date on cheese or a water bottle and the same thought would invade my head. "This water bottle has a longer shelf life than me." I would look at my cats and think, "you will be in my kids' lives longer than me." That's crazy. Well, this for the most part has faded. Except for the water bottle. That one still gets me from time to time. The Avengers movie came and went and I did not see it. Not because I couldn't, but because I opted to stay home with Sam and let Billy go with Em and Will. I optimistically thought that I will just wait until it comes out on DVD. On a weirdly connected side note, Billy got me a birthday card today. It was a kid's card with the Avengers on it. It came with a pin. I pinned it my chemo pump. Weird, right?
2. Today I turn 38. And the other recurring thought is that I am not dead. Plain and simple. I made it to 38. But this thought is grasping on to another thought and that is my overwhelming desire to see 40. Screw 39. I want to see 40! I just feel like I'm not done growing and that even though I am an adult I have never really felt like one. I'm still trying to be a better parent and a better wife and a better person. I've never felt like I have it all figured out and I need those 40s to hopefully embrace adulthood and to keep bettering myself.
And if I do make it to 40, I am having a party...and you are all invited.