Okay kids, it's time for me to set some ground rules. Actually, it's long overdue.
Rule 1: Do not be offended by any of the following rules.
If you feel like you may have already broken these rules please do not feel guilty, and please blame me for it. I didn't want to hurt people's feelings. I should have set boundaries early on and I did not, so that is on me. However, going forward this is on you guys. I need to protect the normalcy and well being of my family and honestly (let me insert my favorite term), it's been an absolute shit show and I feel like I have no control over anything.Oh yeah,and we also don't have the typical health situation in our house. Most people don't have stage 4 cancer and a premature baby under one roof. I have to do everything to protect the health of my peanut and myself. So again, do not be offended!
Rule 2: Do not stop by unannounced.
Please call or text because at any given time someone may be napping, and catching up on sleep is vital to all of us right now. And frankly, I just might not be up for a visit.
Rule 3: Wash your hands.
This has not been an issue at all but I still must state it. There is soap at every sink and hand sanitizer is everywhere in my house. No one has broken this rule yet but for those who haven't visited, please know that my life depends on it and so does Sam's.
Rule 4: No kids allowed.
Kids are banned from my house. Well, except for mine but trust me, they have a laundry list of rules they also have to follow. And if your kids are sick, please stay home. If they are anything like mine, they have no qualms about coughing, sneezing, or puking in your face. It breaks my heart that my own nieces haven't seen their new cousin or that my kids can't have friends over, but again, safety first.
Rules 5: Ask me first.
People have gone above and beyond for me and for my family. They have restored my faith in humanity, be it by building a nursery for my baby, collecting donations, or providing meals for my family. But in terms of fundraisers and things like that, I do ask that you get my permission first. Even though I might think it's the greatest idea on Earth, I still want to pass things by my husband and my kids first. They are also affected by my cancer and sometimes they react very differently to the outpouring of kindness. For the most part, they have been on board with everything and even enjoy helping out with some of the fundraisers, but it's not always easy to be reminded that your Mom is sick so I like to find out how things will affect them before I say yes to things.
Rule 6: Don't give up on me.
Please keep inviting me to places. I will most likely say no, but please keep asking anyway. Please keep sending cards, texts, or emails. I may not respond to them but I do read each and every one of them. I have not forgotten your kindness and concern but I just can't get to it right now. You are all probably saying I don't need a thank you or a response, and that is why you are in my life.
Rule 7: Be patient.
I love all of you and I'm still trying to figure all of this out. Do not feel slighted by my interactions with friends and family. Yes, there are regulars in my house but they are here for a reason. Some of them are here to work, provide a weekly meal they know my picky kids will actually eat, drive me to Philly, or let Billy get one night where he sleeps 4 hours straight instead of two. And these are people that I am close with, but it is not a competition. So if I see somebody before I see you or they see the baby and you haven't, get over it. I have been drowning in guilt over when and who to see and how to do it without hurting people's feelings and frankly that is shitty and unfair. I will get to you. It might take a while. I do have cancer and a baby, ya know! Right now I'm bombarded with the baby and cancery things in my life ( I am taking full credit for coining the term "cancery"). Again, I have room and love for everyone, but there is no time frame in my situation. Just be patient.
Rule 8: Let me be your friend too.
I hate the one-sidedness of cancer. Friends don't want to burden me or they think their problems pale in comparison to mine. That's bullshit. While I can't offer you a ride somewhere, I can still listen and let you drop as many f-bombs as you want. I might even add my own.
Rule 9: Allow me to take everything with a grain of salt.
Please tell me about your cancer remedies but just know you are one of a hundred people and thus it would be an impossibility to use them all. I do look into drugs that people recommend and I do look into nutrition ideas but at the end of the day, I have my own rules to follow. My number one rule I stole from an excellent article the late movie critic Joel Siegel wrote. His article was about his own cancer rules and his most important rule was "trust your doctor and if not, it is your responsibility to find one that you do trust". So that being said, I trust my doctor and trust his advice on my cancer regimen as well as his advice on nutrition. His advice is to eat anything and everything I can get in my body. It took a few weeks of me feeling guilty about my eating habits but today I have eaten a protein drink and 10 goldfish because it's the only thing I can stomach. I figure he has seen his share of cancer patients and knows how important it is for someone my size to maintain weight during chemo. I am over the guilt. I still try to get in healthy drinks and vitamins to keep my immune system up but I top them off with a lot chocolate chip cookies. So getting back to my point. Thank you for your advice. Please know that I do appreciate it, I do look into it, but do not be offended if that's as far as it goes.
Rule 10: There are no magical words to say to someone with cancer.
I can tell you that people will say stupid shit. Numerous people have told me that I look skinny and my snarky reply will be "well duh, I have cancer". I am doing that in hopes that they know that I am never offended by words. Cancer is awkward, but I can also tell you what does work. Say that it sucks or you're sorry or tell me that you don't know what to say. Make inappropriate jokes about cancer. Heck, I do it all the time. Share gossip that I am missing out on. Recommend movies or books. I probably won't get around to reading them but I might on a good week. Just try to be real with me. I crave that.
Rule 12: The final rule.
Please know that writing these rules killed me because, as usual, I am afraid of hurting people I love. These are people who have given me so much over the last few months. I have no way of repaying them. So my last rule was easy to make. I love all of you and never a day goes by that I don't stop to think how truly blessed I am with such amazing people in my life. So the last rule is this: I love you. Don't ever forget that.
(*Disclaimer: Some of these rules might make you laugh. Some of them might make you feel guilty. If you are experiencing guilt then go back to rule number 1 because you didn't read it, dummy! Some of these rules might make you feel like I am being a bit of a snob about things. Well, then you probably don't know me very well and you might consider reading the other lady's blog who posts nothing but inspirational quotes about having cancer, a baby, and her world flipped upside down. Good luck finding her. I gave up my search the week after I was diagnosed. Just a quick thank you to the people who helped brainstorm a way to get these thoughts out on my blog. I am blessed with guardians or what I call my "bouncers" who are always looking out for my well being. I love you guys.)