The ring stands alone
So I haven't written in a while… I think I'm emotionally spent.
I only have one ring left. One more chemo treatment. You would think that I'd be elated. It's quite the opposite. I'm absolutely petrified of what's to come. I think part of me also wanted to not blog so I could pretend I don't have cancer for a few weeks. It's also the same reason why I really don't want to go anywhere and do anything. I don't want to see people and be reminded that I have cancer. I don't want to be asked for the 18 millionth time how I'm feeling right now. I'm just really tired of being owned by this. This chemo week was very hard on me physically, but even more so mentally. And what I hate most about this cancer is that stupid concept that cancer actually makes you live. That it opens your eyes and makes you truly grateful for life's blessings. It's total bullshit… And at the same time, it's completely true. It's bullshit because I'm still stressing out over the fact that I don't have paper plates or that my kids are forgetting stuff for school. It's completely true because I look at Sam and I feel such unbelievable joy that I cannot explain. And you can't understand it unless you're dying. It's the idea that every second counts and every time I look at her I try to take in as much as I can because I don't know what's to come. So yes in a way cancer makes sure you live harder than the average person but it also makes you live in fear so in that sense, you not quite living like a normal person. Basically it's pretty fucked up. There's moments where I just want to be on a beach somewhere with the kids holding them and telling them how much I love them. And then there's moments where I want to yell at them and tell them they're being total assholes because that's what real life is like for most families. I don't want to be any different. I'm really tired of being different.
I'm just done with the emotional roller coaster this week. One second I'm grateful for everything I have and the next second I'm crying because my hair is getting really thin and my teeth are decaying.
Night terrors
And I think I am so much better off than most cancer patients because I have a baby and I have two older kids and a wonderful husband who keep me occupied and keep me happy. But it's not enough to distract me. I'm not sure how it is for other cancer patients but I can attest that night time is absolute hell for me. Last night I spent an hour planning for my death. I was mostly fixated on the fact that Billy would have to move on and find someone new to love. I am adamant about this because he is so worthy of love and he would also have to show my kids that he deserves happiness and is able to thrive without me. Sick, I know but even people without cancer have these thoughts. I also came up with a set of rules for this imaginary future woman. First and foremost, she would have to love my kids and be kind. I think I only have two other rules. She must love cats. And she must be funny. I would have to include a clause under rule 2. She must think farts are funny. It's for her own good. Otherwise she'd never survive in this house. I know a lot of you are thinking this is messed up and really depressing. Well, get over yourselves. People plan for the future, Be it for retiring or college funds. I am planning for happiness. Well, hell I can't come up with this shit when I'm dead! I also devote a lot of my nighttime hours to playing the "what if" game and I'd give anything to forfeit. What if as soon as I stop chemo it all comes back? What if I'm not around for my kids' high school years? What if this ends up being a really slow painful process, or what if it happens really fast and I don't have enough time? There is also the hell of "remember when I thought my life was tough a year ago and in actuality it was fucking awesome"? And then there's just this: I'm sad and I'm scared and no matter how many wonderful people are around me, I am completely alone.
What's the deal with cancer?
My god this post is fucking dreary! Okay, what can I do to make it lighter? Come on Lauren, insert funny cancer joke NOW! A cancer patient walks into a bar...How many cancer patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb...Knock knock. Who's there? Cancer.
Okay this is not going well. I got nothing.
Okay so where the hell is the humor in this? It is there. And that's why this cancer ride is such a roller coaster. One minute I am crying laughing and the next minute I am crying. But then the wind changes, and it's back to laughter.
As I am writing these last few sentences Will is making faces at Sam and she is all giggles. I'm going to share this moment with you. Number one, because I don't want you to think I am living under a dark cloud all the time. There is plenty of sunshine. Number two, as I said before these simple moments are magnified by 1,000 because cancer makes me feel more and appreciate more, whether I like it or not. Enjoy the simplicity of laughter. I do. I truly do.