Today's update: the cancer is not finished with me. I know last week's news was awesome but I've been knocked down a few pegs and that's to be expected. So even though my tumor is gone, the biopsy came back and cancer cells are still alive and kicking. The gastroenterologist did warn me that cells still might show up but hopefully they are dying. So the talk of removing part of my stomach is still on the table and that sucks. However, my stomach lining has reacted well to the chemo and no cancer has been spotted elsewhere. So that's where I'm at and all I keep hearing are words "not finished" in my head.
This cancer road is long and I haven't even been on it for that long. Today was a long chemo day. I actually got sent to the breast cancer wing because my wing was so full. I looked around me at all the wigs and bald headed women and I just felt so fatigued by this place. By the way, all cancer patients check each other out. We look to see how everyone's health is faring but we do it as nonchalantly as possible. You have to be good at this, especially when you see a person who has death looming in his or her face. Those are the toughest ones for me. I also struggle with couples. Sometimes it's really hard to tell which one has cancer. If they are a younger couple, I have a hard time keeping my shit together. Today I kept sneaking peeks at a woman who was obsessively touching her wig. I could sense her insecurity and I wanted nothing more than to give her a big smile and say you look awesome. But I couldn't. It's against the rules. There seems to be these unwritten rules for cancer patients. I hate them. It's like we all pretend that things are normal. No one ever breaks down and cries or drops an f bomb. I have such an urge to yell "THIS SUCKS" in the waiting room but I'm pretty sure that breaks the "lets pretend we all aren't dying" rule. It's so clinical and artificial and I wish I could change it.
So back to the "not finished". I'm tired. But I know I'm not finished either.
I have for the last year or so, secretly wanted to get the words "not finished" tattooed somewhere on my body. I have been itching for a tattoo for years and while many of you would assume my next one would be a pic of my cats, these 2 words are what I really want to have permanently written on my body. Let me tell you why.
For those of you who don't know, my sister passed away 15 years ago. She had a heart condition, cardiomyopathy. She was my only sibling and my best friend. I miss her terribly. Well, a few months before she passed, she had a stroke. The stroke prompted her to try and get ready to say her goodbyes although we didn't know that. After she passed, my brother in law found letters she had written to her immediate family.
My letter was awesome. I will keep what it said private but I will tell you that she left with me simple words of love and kindness. I will also let you know that that letter inspired me to go back to school and get my teaching degree. So what does this have to do with a tattoo? Well she had a bunch of letters to write and I'm assuming mine was the last one she wrote. Why? Because my letter ends with two words: not finished.
She did not finish my letter. She didn't get the chance to. I can't tell you how badly this used to eat at me. Why did my letter say not finished? What else did she want to tell me? After years of frustration I came to my own form of acceptance with this. I decided to twist these words around. I decided that my sister was not finished making an impact in this world and that it was my duty to make sure her spirit lived on. So I talk about her constantly to my own children. And every year I tell my students about her and how she is the reason why I became a teacher.
So that's the connection to the tattoo. I want a tattoo of the words "not finished" to remind me of her and remind me to keep spreading her love.
And now there is this cancer bullshit. Cancer has made these 2 words take on even more weight. Fuck you cancer. I am not finished. I still have so much more to do on this Earth. So could you please go away and let me get my shit done? My sister needs me to continue making an impact on my children and my students. Seriously cancer, this is getting awkward. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I want to grow and be better and wiser. Umm, in the words of many a wise bartender, "you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here."
Please be done with me because I, my friend, am not finished.