This marks new beginnings.
Emily will be entering the world of high school while Will also starts a new venture into middle school. New teachers, new buildings, new curriculums.
And in a way, I am also going back to school. I've spent the last year and a half learning the ins and outs of chemotherapy. I have mastered the routine, gained an immense knowledge about all of the various treatments I was on, and learned various techniques to combat side effects.
But now I move on to a new curriculum: Radiation.
I've spent so much time with chemotherapy that I haven't invested any time or energy learning about radiation. To be fair, it hasn't been mentioned as a treatment until very recently. The reason for the radiation is to try and shrink the cantaloupe sized tumor taking up residence in my abdomen. It is the main source of all my pain and radiation should hopefully shrink and kill almost all of its cancerous cells.
The last month has been a standstill. My platelet counts were so low that I needed a few weeks just to let them catch up. White blood cells were low too. Basically, my bone marrow is beat up from all of the chemo. I've also met with two different surgeons to see if they would be willing to remove the large tumor. Both of them wouldn't entertain the idea. Surgery is too risky. Besides creating a major delay on the next treatment, surgery would require removing a lot of my bowels and possibly leave me with a colostomy bag. And the tumor could also be attached to other organs which would result in cutting into other areas leaving me susceptible to complications. One surgeon agreed with radiation while the other cautioned against it saying it would likely cause damage to the bowels that are resting on top of the tumor. Two varying opinions is a cancer patient's worst nightmare. So that left me to meet with radiation oncology. This doctor convinced me to go ahead with radiation. When I mentioned the opposing viewpoint he bluntly said: if you don't take care of this tumor it will keep growing and cause damage to my bowels and other organs. I was sold.
Treating cancer is a full time job. Well you don't get paid and the hours suck but there is some form of routine and familiarity with office visits, treatments, and side effects. But now that treatment has changed I feel like I'm starting a new job and I have no experience.
So far this has been my learning experience:
-According to my doc, my main side effects will be nausea and fatigue. He warned that the fatigue will get worse with each week and linger well past treatment.
-Treatment is now 5 days a week for about 4 to 6 weeks. This will definitely take a toll on my patience and will power. Driving to Philly every day will suck hard but before you ask, I refuse to go locally. UPenn is one of the few hospitals that has a specific proton therapy machine. It has proven to be more effective and causes less damage to surrounding organs. So Philly it is.
-I am not out of the chemotherapy woods yet. I will still be receiving chemotherapy during radiation. It is actually not used to fight the cancer but to enhance the radiation effects. It will be a much lower dose than usual. Too much chemo would make me toxic.
-Tattoos are in. I went to get a cat scan that they will use to line me up for zapping. I had no idea that they have to tattoo little dots on your body to help line up the machine. They are tiny dots made with Indian ink and a needle. Not much different from the crappy home made tattoo I had in high school. They are permanent but luckily they look like little freckles. I'd prefer a much more intricate tattoo but these will do for now.
-I am completely unfamiliar with the radiation routine. Doctors and staff have given me the basics of what it will be like but just like chemo, I won't really understand it until I see for myself. -I feel like a stranger in the radiation department. At this point my chemo floor is like Cheers. Everybody knows my name. That's not necessarily a good thing because it shows how much time I spend there, but it still is nice to be greeted with a smile and a "Hi Mrs. Raney" or a nurse or doctor asking how the kids are.
-This whole experience is not too different from the woes of a teacher who has to teach a completely new curriculum. I just need to stay a little ahead. I need enough knowledge to get me through a few days at a time and eventually I will get the hang of it.
I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm scared. Change is hard for most people but especially for cancer patients. My thoughts shift from "how much more can my body possibly take" to "is this going to be worse than chemo"?
However, I am chomping at the bit to get started. The days are dragging until I start next week. Next Wednesday couldn't come soon enough. What's causing all of this eagerness, you ask? PAIN! So much pain. Chemo may not have put a big dent in my tumors but it always helped rid me of pain. Now that I haven't been on treatment for a month, the pain has come back with a vengeance.
Mr. Cantaloupe and a small friend cause all of my pain. It is excruciating. I can't laugh, cough, or sneeze. I can't wear anything that doesn't have a soft elastic waistband. The skin on my abdomen feels like what I imagine shingles to feel like. I can physically feel the growths pushing against my muscle and it's awful. And throughout the day I get pains that feel like hot needles being pushed through my belly. Luckily, I now have a pain management team working with me. They are great. They want me to take more meds than I am already taking, but they know I won't. I can't. I still have a family to raise. I can't be hopped up on painkillers and taking care of a baby. I just have to deal with it and it truly sucks. These last few days the pain has rapidly increased. I used to be able to hide it well when people were over our house. I can't anymore.
Sam accidentally kicked my belly a few nights ago. The pain was unbearable and lasted for hours. It's the first time I cried. I think I just fear it getting worse over the next week and I'm not sure how strong I can be. So even though I've had a long respite from chemo, I still can't do much because of my pain.
So this is why I'm ready.
It's time to go back to school.