1. Thank yous: My biggest struggle has been wanting to thank people on an individual basis and I have been told time and again I can't, and that people aren't looking for thank yous. However, I am going to try and hit a few genres of people right now. Thank you to strangers who give gifts, offer their services, or send words of encouragement. Your selflessness makes me have faith in humanity. To the friends who lied and said they would just throw me a small baby shower: You are a bunch of jerks and I love you. To the men who braved it and muddled through all of that estrogen and huddled in a corner at my baby shower: I smiled every time I peeked over at you and I secretly loved that you were being tortured by women commenting on how cute every single baby outfit was! To my foundation (friends and family): Thank you for protecting me from overwhelming situations and drama that I don't need to know about. Thank you for reminding me to set boundaries with people. You allow me my space, you never want to burden me, and all you ask for in return, is that I take care of myself. To the behind the scenes players: You have put a lot of work into the Raney family, be it taking care of our kids, providing physical and emotional support in and out of the hospital, or putting in physical labor to help us make a space for our baby. I can't begin to express my gratitude. It takes a village. Apparently I am blessed with a Metropolis.
2. MRIs: Last Thursday was the first time I had to put a hospital gown on again. The feel, smell, and oh so glamorous checkered-pattern caused a surge of panic and an overwhelming sense of reality kicking in. The MRI tube filled with jackhammer sounds was another wake up call: This baby is coming, Lauren Raney...and so is chemo. Today could have been the day we welcomed our baby girl but luckily we get to hold out a few more weeks. The 2 MRIs were to see if the cysts and nodules they had surgically removed were showing signs of regrowth. Granted the MRIS can't pick up microscopic cancer cells, but they were able to determine that no new growth had surfaced so there was no rush to get baby out this week. Still, time is moving very slow in some ways and extremely fast in others.
3. False alarms: I was feeling pretty confident after the MRIs. I was taking some serious mental deep breaths because this little nugget is actually making me quite winded! And then Saturday I woke up from a deep sleep to severe pains in my belly. They were relentless and 20 minutes into it, I was getting dressed and ready for a trip to Philly. I was terrified. I had let my "fear guard" down. I couldn't figure out if I wanted it to be early labor or something cancer related. They both seemed so horrible at the moment and I kept internally reprimanding myself for not being mentally prepared for the "what ifs". Luckily the pain subsided after an hour, and by the time I got to the hospital the whole episode was behind me. After checking my vitals and the baby, we turned around and went home. However, I left feeling a bit more like I had a month ago: "aware". Aware that I can't escape it. Aware that as much I want to feel like a normal person, I am not one right now. I wonder if all cancer patients feel the nag. You can only shut it off or shut it out for small periods of time. You might be laughing at a joke or deep into a Better Call Saul episode but unfortunately the brain is able to simultaneously run it's own story line and the plot sucks: False alarms are in fact, quite alarming.
4. Chocolate bunnies: The Easter Bunny mistakenly brought my kids Dove white chocolate bunnies. White chocolate= gross. This has never happened before. The Easter Bunny is meticulous in all Easter proceedings because Easter has always been, for some strange reason, her favorite holiday. Of course the kids received an abundance of chocolate bunnies from other relatives but E.B. still can't let it go. There will come a time where things will get tough and she can't be there for everything or at least can't give 100% to the holidays or even the regular days. So who cares? The kids sure as hell don't. I guess this Easter is about letting go and getting prepared to not have complete control over everything. However, we are still not eating white chocolate. It's glorified vegetable fat!