Now what?
Got my CT scan results today and they look good. The lining in my stomach is not as pronounced as it was in previous scans. I'd give you more info but that's all I have for now.
So that's awesome.
So...now what?
So idiot me never realized I can get my full reports through my hospital app. I had tried to open them up before but they don't open in the mobile app and I just assumed they were blank. However, if I sign into the full desktop website I can get them. So now I have spent all morning reading every MRI, scan, and test I've had since February. My advice? Don't start your morning off like this. Right now I'm supposed to be basking in the joy of good test results but instead I'm finding so many things on my tests that have never been brought to my attention. I would like to assume the reason I don't know about the nodules in my lungs is because they are insignificant, but I'm not sure because no one has ever mentioned it. Just feeling frustrated at my lack of knowledge. On the same note, I do believe I am getting excellent medical care but as a cancer patient, I'm always going to question and doubt and fear that it's not enough.
I called Billy immediately after getting the results. He was ecstatic and for a moment I was too, but then I just kept thinking "so now what?" And that sucks. I'm already trying to wrap my head around what comes next. Most likely an endoscopy, but why the hell can't I just stay in the moment and be satisfied with today's results? And is every cancer patient like this?
Control, or lack thereof.
I am exhausted. The mental stress of waiting for test results is relentless. I have spent the last few days in a constant state of anxiety. Not easy to pull off normalcy but I have 3 kids and I don't get to just wallow in the worry. And this is where I'm about to start my rant. Someone sent me an article a cancer patient wrote and it was spot on. She calls out the late Stuart Scott's "live your best life" motto and I am so happy she had the balls to do it. I'm not mocking Stuart Scott's battle with cancer but the reality is that most cancer patients can't live their best life. Instead we are forced to try and live the same life but with the added burden of cancer. I guess if I was loaded I could try and see the world, check things off my bucket list, and hire a personal chef to feed me cancer fighting gourmet meals. But I'm not, so my best life involves kids fighting, a minivan on its way out, and a never ending battle against fruit flies. This is not my best life because as this author put it, cancer has put my life on hold. It took me out of work. It pulled me away from my kids. It stole my normalcy. The best part of the article is how she says she is "chemo's bitch". I don't think I could have said it any better. Living your best life means being in control of what you are doing. And right now I'm being pimped out by chemo. Chemo makes all of my choices: what I eat, how I feel, etc. and sometimes, just like a pimp, it beats me up. Sorry not trying to make light of prostitution. I pick some weird-ass metaphors to get my point across.
I must. And I do.
Okay let's move on...
I don't want to be frustrated so I will try to take back a little control. So this is what I need to focus on.
I may not be living my best life, but heck...I'm living!!!!!
And although it's not my best life I am blessed to be surrounded by some of the best things in life...friends, family, and unbelievable support.
In some ways, not having control has taught me to chill the fuck out. My kids may have had brownies for breakfast and my newborn has absolutely no schedule whatsoever. Guess what? I don't care. They will survive. I am still a good mom and I have really good kids.
I must find joy in the simple things.
I must.
And I do.
This morning I went into the nursery and when Sam caught sight of me she lit up. Her smile melts me. I am so in love with her. I've spent the last few days focused in on how much Emily and Will love Sam and I am beyond happy to have such a wonderful family dynamic.
So as much as I bitch and complain about cancer putting a pause on life, in a weird way it has forced me to take it all in.
And I do.
I must go now, for I have to go kill more fruit flies.
I must.
And I will.